Current location:sport >>
I was 'brokefished' by my friend for £400
sport144People have gathered around
IntroductionI need your help. My friend K has been recently telling our friendship group about how dire his fina ...
I need your help. My friend K has been recently telling our friendship group about how dire his financial situation has become. He spoke of overdue bills, not having enough money to go anywhere on holiday this year and his fear of losing his job.
My heart went out to him. He said he was going to give up his physio appointments which I know have been helping him cope with chronic back pain. I had a great year at work, and so I decided to lend him £400 so he could continue his physio for a few more weeks while he found some way to improve his financial situation.
A few days later, K posted a picture of himself on social media with a new barbecue grill costing well over a thousand pounds and – one I quite fancied buying for my family this year.
A friend asking for help with money and then flaunting a new purchase could be a sign of 'brokefishing', Vicky Reynal writes
I haven’t confronted K yet because I’m not sure how to approach the situation without causing a rift.
Is there a way to salvage our friendship, or do I need to accept that K isn’t the friend I thought he was?
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: I suspect you are feeling a mix of shock, anger, sadness and a sense of betrayal.
What K’s done can be described as ‘brokefishing’. In previous generations people might have described themselves to friends and family as being in financial need then taking wonderful long holidays abroad.
Nowadays we realise we’ve been ‘brokefished’ though, when people sport their latest acquisition having just asked us to cover their half of the bill because they couldn’t afford it.
A part of you might be wondering - why? There isn’t a simple answer.
It could be that K is in a precarious financial situation because of how impulsive he is with money (and so his purchase of a barbecue once he had your £400 was another irresistible purchase he couldn’t stop himself from making.)
Or it could be that at some, deeper level, he goes through life feeling as if ‘the world owes him.’ Sometimes past experiences leave us feeling that way – having a parent leave the family, or a divorce, or even parents that struggled with mental health issues and were unavailable – could all leave us feeling ‘shortchanged’ in life.
We might feel others have been dealt a luckier hand and so we unconsciously look for justice. We might feel a certain sense of triumph in receiving money, because at some level it feels as if we have restored justice and fairness.
Read More
I repeatedly bail out my partner from his financial messes - should I pull the plug on him? Money psychotherapist VICKY REYNAL replies
But there are other potential explanations too. One is related to how you and K behave in relationships. Does K tend to become the ‘needy’ one, orchestrating all sorts of situations needing ‘rescue’? And you got ‘hooked’ into this narrative because you have been unconsciously cast in the role of the rescuer?
Do you often take on the role in relationships of being the rescuer and always put other people’s needs before your own?
That could also explain why you have fallen into the trap of trying to be the friend that fixes things for K rather than restraining yourself to show him some empathy and emotional (rather than financial) support.
It could also be about your particular friendship: is K envious of how much more you have? Perhaps you have more money, but it could also be other things, like he could envy that you have a better job or relationship.
Do you feel guilty about how much more than K you have? All these feelings could, behind the scenes be driving your decision to lend money to appease his envy, or address your guilt and their willingness to take it and then ‘misuse’ it.
Whether the friendship can be salvaged will depend on your ability to forgive K, as well as the boundaries you establish in the future so this doesn’t happen again.
It will also probably depend on K’s response to you bringing it up: can he own up to it and apologise? Or will he become defensive and make excuses? You can’t control how he will respond, but you can be thoughtful about how you bring it up.
In these situations in particular ‘I-statements’ are quite effective (more so than accusations which will just put your friend on the defensive).
‘I felt betrayed when I saw the picture of you with a new console after having borrowed money from me because money was so tight.’
How can you avoid this from happening again? Suppressing any inkling of empathy with friends in the future might not be the best approach.
However, if you are about to lend money to someone I always suggest doing a lot of thinking before make a decision. Why am I compelled to give? Have they asked before? What is going on in the friendship that could be driving this request?
Finally, remember lending money can have a big impact on any relationship - particularly if the terms are not clear. Was the money you lent K meant for the physio? Did you say that? Or was it your vague hope?
Vicky’s book: Money On Your Mind - The Psychology Behind Your Financial Habits is out now with Bonnier Books, £16.99.
SAVE MONEY, MAKE MONEY Cash Isa Cash Isa Competitive 5.17% interest* Includes 0.88% bonus for first year Fibre broadband Fibre broadband £50 BT reward card when you sign up* £34.99 per month for 24 months * Affiliate links: If you take out a product This is Money may earn a commission. These deals are chosen by our editorial team, as we think they are worth highlighting. This does not affect our editorial independence.Tags:
Reprint:Friends are welcome to share on the Internet, but please indicate the source of the article when reprinting it.“World Watchers news portal”。http://timor-leste.unhasdecoradas.org/article-92d199718.html
Related articles
Messi in and Dybala out in Argentina squad for pre
sportBUENOS AIRES, Argentina (AP) — Lionel Messi is in and Paulo Dybala is out of Argentina’s squad for f ...
【sport】
Read moreWas the Budget too little, too late
sportJeremy Hunt bounced around delivering his Budget, proudly declaring his commitment to tax cuts and s ...
【sport】
Read moreIndependent publisher rejected from taking part in Hong Kong Book Fair
sportAn independent publisher founded by a teacher who was injured in the 2019 protests and unrest has be ...
【sport】
Read more
Popular articles
- Rangers are undefeated at .500 to keep World Series champs from a losing record with Bochy
- New wonders of the world! The crowd
- With table service and spacious seats, why going by train with LNER is the ultimate way to travel
- With a wet Easter looming, we round up the 20 best last
- Travis Kelce downs whiskey shot on slice of bread at Kelce Jam without Taylor Swift
- Apple users are still discovering hidden new features inside iPhone's iOS17
Latest articles
Strictly star Giovanni Pernice's former partner Rose Ayling
Mercedes upgrades its electric EQS to give the EV a huge 511 mile
Revealed: The 20 best walks in Britain (and the maps that show you the perfect route)
NASA is looking for new astronauts
Bella Hadid goes braless in a thigh
Independent publisher rejected from taking part in Hong Kong Book Fair
LINKS
- Army reservist who warned about Maine killer before shootings to testify before investigators
- China completes selection of about 38,000 local gov't special bond projects
- DAILY MAIL COMMENT: Labour runs out of ammo on defence
- County in rural New Mexico extends agreement with ICE for immigrant detention amid criticism
- Megan Fox shows off flawless face in glamorous selfies after sharing THAT unrecognizable makeup
- Peter Andre reveals TWO names are 'in the running' for his newborn daughter as legal deadline looms
- Shohei Ohtani has 3 doubles, Landon Knack get 1st victory as Dodgers rout Nationals 11
- County in rural New Mexico extends agreement with ICE for immigrant detention amid criticism
- DPRK top leader guides simulated nuclear counterattack drill
- Civil lawsuit dismissed against former Texas Tech basketball player Pop Isaacs